The Meeting

Let's see. Where did I leave off yesterday? Oh yes, Mr. Swift, structural engineer and comedic genius, agreed to meet with Tall Drink of Water and me to translate his scribbles into usable instructions.

TDW, whom I'm liking more everyday, shows me his concerns in person (after talking on the phone). Basically, he's worried that the whole dang structure is not supported enough by Swifty's ideas. And the steel beam required by the specs is actually nine inches too long, due to the eave of the house coming down at an angle. TDW laughed at my idea of poking the steel through the eave and having it act as a hanging plant holder on the outside (I actually suggested this; I'm desperate to get these walls down).

Then on the other end, TDW fears there's not enough support to hold up the steel (or I guess the entire second floor, for that matter). He says there's no ''bearing point'' in the basement (translation: there's no post in the basement directly under where the end of the steel sits on a 2x4).

Swift then arrives, looking older and more senile than I remembered from our first encounter. He spends the first few minutes just looking around, as though he is trying to remember where he is and what exactly he does for a living.

When speech finally comes, he basically repeats what TDW is saying: "'steel too long'', ''no bearing point'' ... like some sort of weird construction mantra. He then starts to look kind of embarrassed, afraid we're realizing that he was totally drunk when he drew up the specs.

He tells TDW it's OK to cut part of the steel to fit the eave's shape. Problem #1 solved. We then all head to the basement to check out the lack of support down below. SwiftMan suggests inserting giant pieces of steel below the floor joists. When that idea goes over like a lead balloon with TDW, the Swifter suggests putting braces directly below the 2x4 bearing all the weight. TDW is more open to this idea.

Then I, candidate for 2013 Contractor Rookie of the Year, suggest just putting a post in the basement to support the weight, but this time not having to dig out a giant hole in the floor. Mr. Swift says that could actually work since the point will only be bearing about a quarter of the total weight. Problem #2 solved, and I was part of the solution!

So TDW now has all the information he needs, although I'm not sure he thinks Mr. Laugh-In is being thorough enough. But at this stage, I just want it to be done. I'll deal with the imploding second floor at a later date. Or in other words, I'll cross that sinkhole when I'm engulfed by it.

So now, I say with my best Reagan-like voice, ''Mr. Tall Drink of Water, Take Down Those Walls!''